


felt with the heart

by budd



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Character Study, Coming Out, Light Angst, M/M, POV Patrick Brewer, Patrick Brewer is Gay, References to Past Relationship(s), and Now He Can Confidently Say So, like... SO INCREDIBLY LIGHT
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 07:20:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28899549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/budd/pseuds/budd
Summary: Patrick's story of accepting himself as he is instead of dwelling on who he's expected to be.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 6
Kudos: 60





	felt with the heart

For his entire life, Patrick Brewer's known the path he's supposed to take.

Graduate high school a semester early, go to college right at 18, get a degree before your 21st birthday. After you have a stable job, get married and buy a house. And what comes after purchasing property? Kids, of course!

He _was_ halfway there, that is, before packing the bare necessities of his belongings into an overnight bag and trudging across Ontario to a painfully rural town with a vaguely inappropriate name and an extremely suggestive welcome sign.

It took Patrick a slim 16 months to receive his MBA from the University of Toronto. He was only a twenty minute drive from home, so he still lived with his parents and spent each Wednesday night as well as the weekends with his girlfriend, Rachel, while attending school. 

Spending time with her was nice, sure. Even before they got together, they were best friends. They still keep in touch today, despite the circumstances of their split, but it feels... refreshing for Patrick to not have the burden of feeling forced to kiss her or say _I love you_ back weighing him down for the entirety of their hangouts when he spent all their hours apart beating himself up for not being able to give her everything she deserves.

Patrick's never had a doubt in the back of his mind that he's different, that he's destined to part from the Brewer family's programmed way of living. He just never expected it'd be byway of his sexuality.

When he came to Schitt's Creek, his initial aim was to stay for a few short weeks, get a handful of days away from his parents, his friends, and most importantly, _Rachel,_ under his belt before returning back to his birthplace. The minute he laid eyes on David Rose, however, all intentions of returning back home dissipated almost instantaneously.

In the short time he's known him, Patrick has been more entranced than the tens of years he's spent pining over his high school sweetheart.

He notices minuscule mannerisms about David nobody in his own family could point out: the way the inside of his left eyebrow twitches over so slightly while correcting him, saying he leased the general store as opposed to purchasing it, or how the corners of his eyes crinkle in time with the eccentric movements of his hands. He punctuates each of his sentences with a quick shake of his head, kneading his fingers together in the process. The single strand of his dark locks that insignificantly sticks up towards the back of his head, separating itself from all of its perfectly coiffed brothers and sisters to allow for a bit of volume in the otherwise flat layer of hair. When in distress, his mouth twists to the right, but it's such a small maneuver, Patrick is sure David doesn't even realise he's doing it.

But Patrick notices.

He also notices the similarities between the two of them, things he's never bothered to piece together with Rachel, or any of his other ex-girlfriends, for that matter, like David's monochromatic style and his blue-on-blue pallet; they each have their own fashion niche, one that sticks to a specific range of colours.

It's comforting, really, to feel so safe in the presence of another person, allowing yourself to feel unafraid in exploring their physique, open to researching each petite gesture like you're writing an analytical paper for your sophomore high school English teacher. 

It's horrifying, too.

It's horrifying knowing that by doing so, you're exposing a part of yourself, a part of yourself that may be unfamiliar. In Patrick Brewer's case, this newly found piece of his heart is as uncharted as territory can get.

He's thought about what it'd be like to date men in the past—doesn't every high school aged boy?—but it was more of a hypothetical question, not something he ever envisioned acting on. 

Maybe Patrick simply hadn't met the right guy yet because, with David, he feels right, like he's exactly where he's supposed to be, a sense that runs deeper than even the truest of friendships or the closest of companions.

Now, he's away from home, away from the plan set out in front of him since the minute he came out of the womb. He can be whoever he wants to be here, and if that means he's known as the newly out gay man, then so be it, that's who he is. 

Somehow, admitting it to himself was the hardest step.

He hikes; he hikes and hikes for hours upon hours in an attempt to comprehend his thoughts and finish the puzzle that is his unwavering attraction towards David Rose.

It didn't work.

Of course it didn't work, why would climbing up the same mountain five times a week solve your "do I like my business partners or are my feelings purely platonic" crisis?

Nonetheless, it helps Patrick in finalising his feelings. It didn't rid him of the confusion altogether, though. 

On this particular night, after driving back to Ray's post-climb, Patrick carries himself into their shared bathroom with his head held high.

Closing the door behind him, he stands in front of the mirror with his hands firmly placating themselves against the marble sink top. Patrick looks up, meeting his own reflection. 

_I'm gay_ , he says simply, to nobody but himself as well as the three-in-one body wash, shampoo, and conditioner combo on the ledge of the bathtub he's standing in front of. 

The relief that floods all of his senses makes everything worth it; every moment of anxious thigh rubbing, each night spent withering underneath his covers, trying to get ahold of his spiralling feelings, he _knows_ this is the secret he's tried so hard to grasp throughout the last year of dating Rachel.

He smiles at himself, grinning widely out of sheer joy, pure happiness that he's found himself after seeming _eternities_ of Earth-shattering bewilderment. 

This is only the beginning, but coming to terms with your identity is the hardest part of accepting you for _you_ and nobody else.

Now that Patrick's taken the first step, the excruciatingly long and painful first step, all he has to do is ask the pretty boy on the other side of their register out.

 _Maybe accepting_ isn't _the most difficult part._


End file.
